When coaching clients, the issue of difficult conversations frequently crops up. How do I go about having a difficult conversation and what are the best ways to make these less adversarial? What’s being left out in relation to difficult conversations?
Before diving into such conversations, let’s explore creating the right mindset.
Issue not conversation
Firstly, when we label something as “difficult” what does that do to our nervous system? When triggered in this way our bodies can produce chemicals such as cortisol (arousal and threat) and adrenalin (excitement and fear) which have an impact on our mindset and approach. Secondly, we tend to focus on the conversation being difficult, when it’s actually the issue that is difficult.
Generally, we don’t address the issue but rather we are hard on the person. What happens if we reframe this and see it as an opportunity? For example, “this is going to be a fruitful conversation about a particular issue or challenge.” Thirdly, we may need to open up and acknowledge the other person’s story and emotions. This is not about agreeing but simply acknowledging “what is” before moving forward. People want to be heard and the presenting issue is generally not the real issue.
We often get seduced into the future before we have heard people and acknowledged what currently “is” first. Naming “what is” without judgement creates distance from the issue, thereby allowing us to see things more clearly.
Our relationship with conflict
As line managers, and coaches, we also need to ask ourselves: what is my relationship with conflict? What are things that might trigger a response in us and who or what are we being loyal to in the way we approach conflict? It is as much about our relationship with conflict as it is the conversation being “difficult”. Frequently there is a fear that we are going to hurt the other person if we are truthful. Ask yourself what’s stopping you engaging in such dialogue.
Developing effective dialogue
Developing effective dialogue across all aspects of your role can negate the need to put off having conversations that then get built up to be “difficult”. Dialogue is a particular type of conversation. When we engage in dialogue, we come prepared to do two things: We listen without prejudice to what the other person is saying, suspending our convictions, opinions and beliefs and we say what needs to be said, respectfully
Trusting the dialogue to do its work can mean at times feeling apprehensive about potential turbulence and discomfort – this is always possible in an open, undirected and unfettered space. Let go of the reins, adopt an open mindset, and accept that you do not know the direction in which the conversation may go. This is a real strength as it allows new ideas and opinions to surface.
Nicholas McKie’s Inspiring Leadership podcast can be found on the School Management Plus website.